The Sparkling Meteor
by stitchcat
Summary: Can a sparkling meteor lead to true love for Isabella Swan?
1. Chapter 1

The Sparkling Meteor

Givemesomevamp, my lovely beta, thinks this should be read in a Pride and Prejudice tone of voice . . . JaspersIzzy and HammerHips pre-read, so blame them :-)

CH1

It was business as usual in the Cullen household. Carlisle was reading a medical journal detailing the startling revelation that leeches were the next big thing in wound care. Esme was floating around the living room dressed as Donna Reed and waving a feather duster at anything that could possibly collect dust. She wisely decided Edward's 'most private parts' were best left alone – who knew what had gathered down there… The children were up to their usual tricks. Or, in Tanya's case, turning them.

Emmett was busy skinning his latest conquest in order to make a rug for the fireplace in his and Rosalie's room. It was unfortunate that when he came upon the creature he genuinely believed it was a new species of bear. It was only after he drained it of its strangely fishy blood that Jasper bothered to tell him the bear was - in fact - an Inuit dressed in traditional garb. After a brief moment of regret that he had not - after all - discovered a new species, Emmett decided to go ahead with the rug. After all, it would be a shame to waste it.

Rosalie, blissfully unaware of her husband's idea of a love gift, was working on a new concept vehicle. Having become bored with regular cars and bikes, she did some research and decided to build a fully-functioning flying saucer. Mostly for shits and giggles, but also because she rather liked the idea of an enormous mirror she could check her reflection in while "working" on it. If it happened to be seen by some nosy humans, well, at least it would give the conspiracy theorists something to talk about and surely even the Volturi could see the benefit of that.

Jasper was bored. He hadn't been laid in nearly six days – anyone who tells you time is of no importance to a vampire is clearly still a virgin or asexual. He was contemplating running down to Texas and using his not inconsiderable powers of persuasion on Charlotte. Or Peter. Whoever happened to be around when he got there. His family all thought of him as being a stoic, miserable fucker who liked to stand in the corner and observe rather than get involved in family life. In reality, he was a riot when he let himself go and could party up with the best of them – and therein lay the problem. Alice, Rose and Esme were ladies of prohibition. They did not approve of drinking alcohol, doing drugs or sex before/after/within marriage unless it was for procreation. As this was clearly impossible for a vampire, their long-suffering husbands had to make do with their fists, each other or whichever Denali was available at the time.

When Jasper got to the point of contemplating the removal of his wife's limbs and tossing her onto a female-only bonfire, he usually gave in and headed off to the nearest town to get his freak on. It pissed him off no end that Emmett could drink like a fish and fuck a human without draining her dry when he never seemed to manage it. Every single time he went on a bender some poor girl died – sometimes because he just couldn't resist the bite, sometimes because he just couldn't resist an encouraging grasp of her head while she was blowing him. After her head caved in, of course, he'd drink from her. It would have been wasteful otherwise, but the huffing and puffing and disappointed looks from the family were a pain in the ass afterwards.

You may be wondering how Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle kept all this from the midget and the mind-reader? That was easy enough. Alice was deranged. She had been committed to a mental institution while a human, after all. As long as her every whim was pandered to, she simply didn't care what they were up to. She spent all day, every day plotting and scheming the best way to make the future the best possible place for her, and anything else was irrelevant. Edwards was easy to avoid. He was such a prude that he couldn't even say the word 'penis' let alone 'pussy', so whenever his father and brothers even began to hint at anything remotely sexual – ladies underthings, for example – he would withdraw from their minds and concentrate on Esme's Martha Stewart obsession for as long as it took.

While Jasper was bored and horny, Alice was her usual self. She was dancing around the house like a fairy on crack, all the while dropping in and out of visions and barking out orders no-one cared to listen to - except Edward, of course – if he hadn't been paying attention, the Cullen and Denali families would never have invested in Apple or IBM. For that matter, Carlisle would not have bought up all those steel mills and coal mines just before World War 2. Being rich was something they all took for granted. None of them ever stopped to consider where the money came from. They probably wouldn't have cared anyway. It's not like arms dealing could hurt a vampire, after all. Although there was that little scare with that suitcase bomb . . .

Edward was doing his usual thing, the thing he was best at, the thing that if Guinness had a category for it he would be the record holder for eternity – Edward was brooding. Edward _liked_ to brood. It fulfilled his need for solitude and solidified his knowledge that he was a superior being. He was above not only humans, but his family as well. He had no desire to indulge in carnal thoughts let alone any kind of fornication and this was clearly proof of his superiority. For the undead life of him,, he could not understand sexual congress or the need of every other being on the planet to have it.

Of course, Edward was only seventeen when he died, and a product of a very strict upbringing. His mother had succumbed to his father's advances only once in their married life, and luckily for both of them Edward had been the end result. Edward Masen Sr. married because it was expected of him, and despite his total lack of interest in the opposite sex, he had managed to do his duty on the wedding night by thinking of his friend Reginald. His wife, Elizabeth, had done likewise. Reginald remained unaware of his contribution to Edward's existence, being perfectly happy living in Paris under the stage name La Americaine with his partner Berthe la Blancmange. He was so convincing as a woman that when Paris was liberated Black Jack Pershing enjoyed his favors for several days without once realizing he was a man.

Poor Edward grew up in an era of sexual repression unrivaled in history. If he had been born at any other time – with the exception of those equally repressed Puritans – he would have been fine. Self-love, man-love or woman-love - it was all his for the taking, but as it was, growing up with a closeted father and a mother driven insane with sexual need and an unhealthy obsession with a female impersonator, he was doomed from the start. His schooling was at home until he was thirteen; his tutor a man whose spine was so ramrod-straight he couldn't bend if he tried. The tutor, Cornelius M. Putter, had been dismissed from his previous position for lifting the piano skirt in order to move the instrument into a more advantageous position for reading music. This had a most deleterious effect on his personality and he was, from that moment on, the very model of late-Victorian propriety. Just what poor Edward did not need.

And so to the Denalis. Alaska was a wonderful hideaway for the Cullen family whenever they needed respite from the farcical "pretending to be human" game Carlisle had going on. They all knew it was only because he wanted to be able to stay in the same place for a few years so that he could tap every available nurse, doctor, PA, optometrist and so on that he could before they had to move. He also had a willing supply of young mothers who were so grateful he had saved their children from certain death (or the flu) that he had pussy on tap. This might have annoyed his "sons" if they hadn't benefitted as well. High school girls were easy, and the college girls even more so. The cost/benefit analysis worked well enough that Emmett and Jasper rarely complained. Edward, of course, was above it all and the girls simply didn't care.

The Denali girls were a different matter. Sasha was a concubine of Genghis Kahn and as she said, "Once you've gone world-dominator, you never go back!" She recruited several girls to serve in his harem but none of them lasted long. He was renowned for chopping off the heads of girls who didn't please him. One day she asked his shaman to bite her so that she could provide him with the harem he deserved and voila! Unfortunately, the shaman had been around so long he'd forgotten about the newborn year and the uncontrollable bloodlust. It wasn't the Chinese who defeated Genghis, it was his bedmate. Goes to show, even dictators aren't immune to vampires. Just ask Julius Caesar.

So Sasha found herself alone in the steppes and - let's be honest - a bit freaked out. She had managed to defeat the entire Mongol army all by herself before she came to her senses. Unfortunately for her, she brought with her her last human memories of sex and seduction, so she decided to create more of the sisterhood to make her feel less alone. Tanya, Katerina and Irina fit the bill perfectly. All three of them were clearly far too beautiful to be stuck married to the various big cheeses of their respective villages. Sasha took them one at a time and told them all about the wonders of sex before changing them into immortal beings. The effect: she made them perma-hookers. This was great news for all the nomads – who are, after all, mostly male - but gave their future surrogate parents, Eleazar and Carmen, the vampire equivalent of migraines.

Sasha went slightly mad after the Russian Revolution. She honestly believed that she could have saved Crown Prince Alexei if she had spent less time sexing Rasputin and more time listening to what his enemies had to say. She decided to re-create the Royal Family in a more . . . permanent . . . manner, by biting and changing the illegitimate son of the Czar, Vasilli – or William in English. Unfortunately for Sasha, the idea of the immortal child was anathema to the Volturi, and she, and the boy, were destroyed.

Of course her girls were devastated. They had to work out their grief on pretty much every member of the Volturi they could find, which is probably what saved them. Aro likes to say it was because they were innocent of all charges, but it is generally accepted that Tanya's oral skills swung it for the sisters. Tanya was currently servicing a hairy fisherman called Olaf who had miraculously survived a shipwreck nearby and couldn't quite believe his luck. He put the feeling of his cock being gradually frostbitten down to his time in the water and was happily sent on his way with promises to call next time he was in port. Kate and Irina were squabbling over a trip to Vegas. Kate insisted it was an easy way to make money, while Irina simply wanted to dispose of Paris Hilton for giving blondes a bad name.

This utterly normal evening was disrupted by a loud squeal followed by an agonizing shriek. Alice was having one of her visions and it appeared Edward was not happy with what she had seen.

"Alice! No! We will not be moving. I cannot condemn this poor, young innocent to a life like ours. I will not do it!"

Several pairs of ears perked up at this. What could Alice have seen to cause Edward such distress? the women wondered, while the menfolk perked up at the thought of fresh meat to play with. A family meeting was duly called and Alice began to explain what she had seen.

"I had a vision of us moving to a small town somewhere rainy. We will go to school, Carlisle will work at the hospital and Edward will meet his soul mate. It will be wonderful! I cannot see the name of the town, or the face of Edward's mate, but I know it will happen. We just have to work out how to get there! Ohh, it is so exciting! I can hardly wait! We will be best friends and go shopping together and everything!" she squealed.

Edward, on the other hand, was not as pleased. He was unhappy at the thought of a soul mate – that would undoubtedly mean he might have urges he was not comfortable about. Not to mention he would have to give up his brooding. It was unacceptable. He would not do it.

The argument raged on until poor Jasper had had enough. Without really thinking, without making a conscious decision for Alice to see, he leapt over the dining table and debagged his brother. A fraction of a second later, Edward's most private manstick was detached from his body and sent sailing out into the wide blue yonder with a speed and skill that almost put it into orbit. Strangely enough, said organ erected itself as soon as Jasper laid his hands on it, and stayed that way as it flew in a south-easterly direction.

"There!" he screamed, "Follow that cock and wherever it lands, we will make our home. Eddie will find his soul mate, and maybe I will get fucking laid!"

Meanwhile, in a small rainy town, Isabella Swan was looking out of her window and wishing for a man. She had been in Forks for a year now and was facing her eighteenth birthday still a virgin. It wasn't that she hadn't had offers - she had - but none of them were quite right. She was holding out for a hero – or at least someone who knew what he was doing and could teach her the best way to give a blow job without all that spit they used on those internet videos.

As she was pondering her total lack of a sex life, she happened to glance up and saw the most beautiful sparkling meteor she had ever seen. It glistened like diamonds as it sped toward earth, coming closer and closer until it flew right through her window and landed on her bed. Needless to say this gave her quite a shock, but once she had recovered she made her way to the bed and examined the meteor. It was about six inches in length, sparkly and cold, and looked remarkably like a cock. Isabella was not impressed. If the heavens had thought fit to send her a space dildo, they could have at least have made it a bit bigger. But then again, she thought, something this small might be the best way to start, to break her in as it were, so that when she came face-to-face with a real one she would be ready for it.

And so it began. . .


	2. Chapter 2

**Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer blah blah blah**

**Givemesomevamp did her stuff as my beta and HammerHips pre-read. Thanks to both of them :-)**

CH2

_Floppy in Forks . . ._

Poor Isabella had been sadly disappointed with her heaven-sent sparkle cock. She had spent the better part of a night looking at the best ways to deep-throat online, determined to start practicing as soon as she felt able. Her initial attempts had led to coughing, spluttering and - on one occasion - vomiting. She was now fairly confident she could not only blow like a pro, but successfully manage what she considered to be a full-size peen without embarrassment.

Her attempts at masturbation, on the other hand, had failed miserably. She had read the most erotic fanfic she could find, used her own – very vivid and, for a teenager, quite daring – imagination until she was nicely moist and very turned on. The sparkle cock, or Little Dick as she liked to call it, was failing to co-operate. Every time she dragged it down to the promised land between her milky thighs it would somehow deflate. She knew this was impossible – after all, it was made of stone – but still, it would soften and bend and shrink down to a very small three or four inches.

Isabella was becoming more and more frustrated with Little Dick and briefly considered throwing the damn thing away before she hit upon the solution. She would ask someone with more experience of both sex toys and the real thing to see if this was something that happened to everyone. In other words, she would ask Emily Young. Emily had become a friend and mentor to her over the summer when she was spending time at First Beach surrounded by a pack of rowdy boys, who were the friends of her best friend, Jacob Black. Isabella's father, Charlie Swan, was pleased she had made such good friends and felt that the rez was a suitable place for her to hang out. Little did he know that the tribal rules of protection applied to keeping a watch over the still and the little crops of MJ sewn throughout the local forest, and that Isabella frequently partook of both at tribal bonfires. All in the name of sacred rites and tradition, of course.

Putting Little Dick in her bag, she left the house and drove to La Push for the weekly gathering. She figured that by the time she had relaxed around the fire for a while she would be able to summon up the nerve to talk to Emily without all of her blood rushing to her head. Alas, even the best-laid plans can go horribly wrong, and so it happened that after a couple of drinks and a smoke, Isabella retrieved her bag from her truck and walked back down to the fire. As she approached, the various wolf boys present began to shift awkwardly and sniff the air with a grimace, until one in particular charged over and wrestled the bag away. He thrust his hand in and withdrew his prize. He was already prepared to turn and throw Little Dick into the bonfire, but he made the fatal mistake of looking at the object in his hand. Little Dick wasn't quite so little any more. In fact, it was positively throbbing!

The wolf boy gasped, his eyes wide, as a dopey-looking smile spread across his face. Looking on with horror, Sam tried to reach out and grab Little Dick but the boy was having none of it. He shoved Little Dick in his mouth, phased and ran off into the forest, followed by Jared who had also phased. Everyone else sat stunned, until Sam began to laugh until tears ran down his face, before collapsing into a weepy heap beside his Emily. "Paul . . . Paul . . . Paul just imprinted. On a vampire's . . . cock." He gasped out.

"Well fuck. That was unexpected," said Billy Black, tribal leader. "What do we do now?"

As no-one had an answer, being too busy either laughing or crying, it was decided to just let Paul alone until he decided to come back, or found his vampire - whichever came first. The wolves were sworn enemies of vampires, of course, and had destroyed a particularly annoying little coven of three in the Spring. One of them was hell-bent on getting to Isabella and so it was decided that his apparent mate and the other one should be gotten rid of too. Sam didn't want the risk of them coming back to seek revenge or something equally ridiculous. No need to make a novel-length melodrama about one little fight, after all. It was a little different now, though. They couldn't cause an imprint harm, and this had the potential to become a very tricky situation indeed.

_Meanwhile, back in Alaska . . ._

Unfortunately for Jasper his little fit of pique did not have the desired result. It had not escaped anyone's notice that Ed's most private part had responded rather enthusiastically to the touch of a hand for the first time in its history, and the resounding shock and inappropriate laughter sent the empath into a vicious cycle of giggling fits that lasted the rest of the night. When calm finally descended, it didn't take long for the assorted vampires to realize that Edward was not amused. While he had no use for his man-root, he did not appreciate it being manhandled and removed without so much as a by-your-leave from his least-favorite person _in the entire universe! _He stamped his foot and prepared to sulk on a level never before seen in the Cullen household when he suddenly felt something strange – an odd, tingling sensation in his nether regions, which caused him to buck his hips slightly. His pelvis twitched again and turned in the direction Jasper had thrown his missing piece. Edward felt the need to follow his tingling, twitching little berries wherever they may lead him.

The Cullen and Denali families watched in amazement as Edward began to hip-thrust his way one foot at a time towards their new home. Emmett was the first to break the silence, "I think I know where the Thriller dance came from . . ."

Carlisle shook his head, "No, looks more like Mick Jagger's strut-waddle to me."

"Definitely Elvis," piped up Tanya with a goofy grin.

"I know! I know! His pants are all loose 'round his crotch now – he looks like MC Hammer trying to hold in a stinker!" cried Carmen.

"Ooooooohhhhhhh my goodness me! Edward Cullen, you just lost your oral virginity, didn't you?" Alice shrieked. "Did you come? Oh no, you couldn't have… your balls are still attached to your body. Never mind! You got a blow job! Oh, I'm so happy for you!"

"What. The. Fuck?" came from Jasper. "You don't have sex with me? You think it's wrong? You are perfectly happy to let your _husband's_ cock shrivel up and drop off from lack of use, but it's great that _Edward_ gets a blow job? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Alice did, at least, have the sense to look sheepish as she turned to her husband. "Well honey, we always knew we weren't really meant to be. I just wanted to save you from yourself. I love sex! I just don't want to have it with you! My mate is waiting, just as yours is. I just had to keep you around long enough to meet her. Rose and Esme, well, they belong together. They were going along with my vision of a happy family until the stars aligned and we could all live together with our soulmates. You understand don't you, Jazzy?"

Silence. Deadly, deathly silence.

It was broken by poor Edward whimpering in the distance, no longer hip-thrusting away but clearly wishing to go in the direction his pelvis was taking him. Putting his sudden hatred for his wife aside, Jasper went to his least favorite person and decided to help. After all, if he hadn't sent Eddie's cock into orbit he would never have known that Alice was lying to him, thus raising the faintest glimmer of hope that he might find a woman willing to actually have sex with him on a daily basis, and that was a risk Jasper was willing to take.

Jasper moved to stand beside a whimpering Edward. He stood soldier-straight, noticing Emmett and Carlisle coming to stand in line with him. They began walking forward in slow motion, coats a-flapping and legs a-striding, imagining a suitably movie-esque bighaired-band soundtrack for the start of their quest. There was indeed a holy grail out there, somewhere, and they were going to find it, fuck it and claim it in the name of all vampire kind. Well, at least those who cared. So, themselves, really. Whatever. They were going to claim pussy. Hoo-rah!


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks to givemesomevamp for her beta skills, and to HammerHips for pre-reading for me. I flub you both.

I doubt Stephenie would be too pleased to know what I'm doing with her characters, but she'll never know.

_Anxious in Alaska_

Claiming pussy was rather easier in theory than in practice for our brave vampire knights. Only three minutes into their quest, they were intercepted by the rest of the family and dragged back to the house. Emmett, in particular, was disappointed at the disruption of his slo-mo electric slide – he was thoroughly enjoying re-living the 80s.

Worse, Edward had picked up on the quest theme and had unwittingly allowed Alice to catch a few visions of them all dressed in shiny armor, waving their mighty broadswords a la King Arthur. She, however, saw things rather differently, and much to everyone's annoyance refused to stop humming the theme from Spamalot for quite some time. This did not endear her to her already disgruntled husband, who had most certainly not seen himself as a Knight of the Round Table, rather a Clint Eastwood-esque, Man-With-No-Name-type riding into town to rescue the damsel in distress, _sexually-frustrated distress_.

Of course, Jasper had never actually been a real cowboy, but so what? Emmett had failed miserably at hunting bears but that didn't stop him now. In fact, Emmett was well on his way to being the most successful bootlegger 'round Mountain City before he crashed off of Copperhead Road and got himself all mauled-up. It's a good thing that bear couldn't quite finish him off due to all the moonshine vapors wafting around; it meant that when Rosalie found him he was drunk as a skunk and feeling no pain – and that was just the bear! Edward, on the other hand, had always been a sexually-repressed, stuck-up little virgin know-it-all. He would have made a great actor for a certain tween channel.

The plus side to having to return to the house before setting off was Jasper's chance to dress up as his imaginary hero. Gone were the loafers and slacks, the preppy shirt and the godawful poodle hair. In their stead came boots, jeans, a t shirt and duster. He tried very hard to find some spurs, but they seemed to have been utilized in one of the Denali sex games and were bent out of shape. Jasper felt it was probably wise not to ask Carmen why they looked a lot like Eleazar's balls. He did manage to find an old Stetson, which he believed completed his look rather nicely, after he had shampooed all the crap out of his hair that Alice insisted upon. He was pleasantly surprised to find he did not appear to be cultivating a dead squirrel after all, and he certainly smelled a lot less . . . flowery.

After the obligatory and deadly boring family meeting held to discuss the details of the move to Peentown, (as Emmett so cleverly named it) it was decided that Rose and Esme would stay in Denali to indulge their long-suppressed sapphic desires while the men and Alice would follow the cock. They all agreed to use their own names and accents, to avoid the whole "family" pretense. Carlisle in particular wanted the freedom of frat-house living for a while.

A quick blow for the road from the succubus sisters for those with dicks, and they were on their way again.

This time they were dressed to impress. Jasper in his outlaw outfit, Emmett in a muscle shirt and vintage Malcolm McLaren trousers – he loved plaid and zippers, Edward in tweed (tweed is serious business, folks) and Carlisle looked for all the world like a dungeon dom with his black shirt and black leather pants. Of course, he could also be mistaken for a second-rate Vegas magician, but that was not what he was aiming for. Alice was wearing a lovely pink Chanel suit and pearls, complete with a pillbox hat. She just knew her mate would appreciate her Jackie O before the day was out.

Poor Edward's discomfort had risen again. He needed to find his sparklecock and fast. He had the strangest feeling it was being manhandled by something warm, something he very much wanted to feel more completely when his poor, abused appendage was re-attached to his body. His dangly unmentionables were decidedly tingly. They almost seemed to have little minds of their own; it was most distracting when he was trying to walk. The tweed didn't help, brushing against him as it was in a tantalizing manner. Still humming, "We're knights of the round table . . ." Alice pranced up beside him and took his hand. "Run, Edward, run!" She cried, and so he did.

_Lolloping in La Push_

After the clusterfuck of a tribal bonfire, Billy Black had called his pack to order and given them strict instructions not to attack any blood-sucking abomination of nature that may be coming their way until Paul had had a chance to hump its leg. This would ensure that the imprint would not be harmed, at least until they could smoke some more sacred weed and work out what the fuck was going on. Isabella found the whole thing amusing – one mythical beast calling another an abomination appealed to her sense of humor, but she figured the hearth rugs around her probably wouldn't get it.

A few more beers and tall stories later, they called it a night. Sam, feeling a bit guilty he had left Jared to deal with Paul by himself, ordered Jake to phase and relieve Jared so that he could take Kim home and get some. Sam took off with Emily, leaving Isabella with Leah-the-bitch for company. Poor Leah, she was the only wolf with teats and as such found it very difficult to be around the others - especially Sam. She hated imprinting, she hated being a wolf and she hated the idea that at any moment she might imprint on some gel-haired, all-American, budding serial killer like Mike Newton – which was why she rarely left her house, let alone La Push.

Luckily, Isabella understood only too well Leah's fear of the Newtonator, having had to escape many dark corners and empty classrooms for fear he'd go all Ted Bundy on her ass. If only they knew someone who could read his mind . . .

And so it was that the girls were the first to witness the arrival of four inhumanly beautiful men and a sprite onto the windswept beach of La Push, heralding the birth of a legend, the story to be passed down through future generations: the moment when Leah-the-bitch imprinted and Isabella found the man of her dreams.

Unfortunately, this special moment was disrupted by an unearthly howl from the woods beyond the shoreline and the thundering of giant paws headed straight for them all. The vampires, having absolutely no knowledge of shape-shifting locals or imprinting, decided that discretion was the better part of valor and promptly buggered off to parts unknown, leaving Leah-the-really-pissed-off-bitch and Isabella-the-soon-to-be-deflowered with their mouths wide open and madder than hell at Paul-the-cockblocking-asshole.

Paul took one look at the horny women in front of him and high-tailed it back into the woods. He knew there would be no fucking in Forks for him - ever - if they caught up to him. And so he, too, decided to run. He was Elsa in Born Free, he was Speedy Gonzales, he was . . . running straight toward his imprint if the waggling penis in his mouth was any indication. Oh happy day!


	4. Chapter 4

My poor beta, givemesomevamp, thinks I ended this a bit abruptly. It was only ever going to be a short story, so I apologize if you're annoyed.

_Finally fucking in Forks_

_Paul and Edward_

Our brave vampires skedaddled back from whence they came and promptly hid inside the new house Esme and Alice had so thoughtfully bought, furnished and provided for them all in the few hours between the unmentionable-throwing and the decision to leave Denali. What? Never underestimate what money can do – just look at . . . well, never mind, but we all know who I'm talking about. At least they hadn't supplied any minstrels.

Alice was bouncing around the living room like a toddler on crack, Carlisle and Edward were sitting morosely on the brand new sofa – one upset that he still hadn't found his appendage, the other because he had failed to score as fast as Emmett and Jasper had. Emmett was clutching his chest, looking pained that he had been ripped away from his dusky maiden, and Jasper wore his best constipated face while he pondered the absolute lack of bloodlust he had felt upon seeing his girl for the first time. He had certainly felt plenty of _lust_ lust, and he knew she had felt the same. He was surprised they didn't all drown in the tidal wave of female goop that came rushing out of her when she looked him in the eye. Maybe, just maybe, he could get down and dirty with a human and _not_ blow her head off this time. That would be amazing!

The sound of Edward whimpering once again snapped them all back to the present. Alice rubbed her temples in frustration that she could no longer "see", so with a quick, "Laters!" she vanished into the gloaming. Edward appeared to be in great pain, but in truth he was having a hard time wrapping his mind around the thoughts of the large wolf heading toward the house. All he could really understand was, "_mine, need him, fuck his ass, mine, dick knows the way, MINE!"_ This was all quite disturbing for a sexually-repressed virgin, but at the same time, it was quite exciting to his remaining dangly bits. He gasped as he finally worked out that his missing unmentionable was firmly lodged halfway down a wolfy throat, and appeared to be enjoying the sensation very much.

Edward swooned.

You might think that this is an impossible thing for a vampire, but as we have seen, not all vampires are created equal.

Carlisle had no sooner dropped to his knees, hovering over Edward's prone form, when a large, slavering beast came crashing through the window and landed on top of them both. It snarled and swiped until Carlisle realized he should leave Edward alone: the beast was protecting him, not trying to attack. Unfortunately for all concerned, the action-packed entrance caused Paul to swallow the peen, leading to a very uncomfortable incident whereby Emmett and Jasper had to perform the Heimlich maneuver. Carlisle slapped young Eddie's face until he came around, and just in time to see his fully-erect personal item coughed-up with a fur ball of epic proportions. He fainted again.

Paul had had enough of this shit. He had spent the last few hours coming to terms with the fact he had imprinted on a male vampire and now he wanted to stake his claim. He phased back into his human form and bent over his unconscious mate. Resisting the urge to lick him from head to toe or piss all over him to mark his territory, Paul simply planted a wet one on Edward's pouty lips and waited for fate to take its course.

After watching Carlisle clean and reattach the disco stick to his beloved's manly part, Paul filled them in on shape-shifting, imprinting and life in Forks and La Push. Emmett now understood the pain in his chest as Leah's imprinting pull and ran to find her, leaving Jasper and Carlisle somewhat stuck. Jasper really, really needed to get his freak on with his lusty Isabella and Carlisle had no desire to see Paul attempt to mate with Edward, so with a few polite excuses and mutterings about grocery shopping and such, they exited stage left.

Edward opened his eyes the second they were gone and gazed lovingly into the face of his new master. He had heard everything Paul had said and had likewise decided that if this was fate, he should simply go with it. Later, when his ass was sore and he was clean out of spermal fluid, he thought, _at least bestiality had never been explicitly condemned by his parents or the church when he was growing up._

_Alice and . . ._

One of the many things Alice was good at was lying. She knew exactly who they were in Forks to meet – she had known since each of their mates were born – but this was the time to arrive and claim them. She had even seen Jasper's little temper tantrum and the subsequent flight of the sparklepeen. The only thing she wasn't sure about was the reaction from her family when they worked out that she _could_ in fact see around the wolves. Oh well, she would be many miles away before that little snippet came out.

She straightened her Chanel suit and her pillbox hat before putting on her white gloves and walking straight into the lions' den. As soon as she walked through the door every eye was upon her, every crotch was adjusted and every controller dropped. Alice danced over to her mate and sat in his lap, cooing softly into his ear, "Hello, my love. You have a choice to make right now. You come with me and live forever, or I leave and you never see me again." Of course, she knew what his answer would be, but it was still gratifying to have her mate grab her neck, kiss her senseless and stand up to leave.

He and Alice were holed up near Moose Butt before anyone even noticed that they were missing. And so it was that Eric Yorkie, the only wannabe-metrosexual in town, found his anime princess - and discovered that vampire venom does amazing things to cure problem complexions and greasy hair.

_Emmett and Leah_

There really isn't much to say about Emmett and Leah. After Em left the house, he chased her scent all over the Olympic Peninsula before catching her under a waterfall. She shredded his bondage pants and told him exactly what she expected from him - both now and in the future. He agreed, fucked her senseless and they fought like vamp and dog for the rest of their very, very long lives.

_Carlisle meets his match_

Carlisle caught the eye of a certain preacher's daughter his first day in town. Intrigued by her sweet nature and obvious intelligence, he courted her the old-fashioned way. There would be no nooky before the marriage bed - not with this girl. Oddly enough, he found that he fell genuinely in love with her. Her father was pleased that his only daughter was marrying young to the son of a fellow pastor, and conducted the ceremony himself, before waving the blushing bride off on her honeymoon with the handsome young doctor.

Carlisle had, of course, told his new wife what he was and what she would become. She took the news very well; she was a close friend of Isabella's and had already worked out that she and Eric were not quite the same as they used to be.

On his wedding night, Carlisle lay on the bed with a wistful smile on his face as he contemplated deflowering his sweet little virgin. Imagine, then, his surprise when Mrs. Angela Cullen emerged from the bathroom wearing black latex from neck to toe, an enormously wicked grin and holding a whip. Carlisle not only rose to the occasion but dominated it, setting the foundations for a very happy marriage.

_Ahhhh, Jasper_

And what of our hero and his girl? He found her sulking in her room, muttering about intergalactic space peens and bemoaning the fact that she would never be able to practice her porn-worthy blowjob skills on the mysterious stranger from the beach. Jasper was through her window with his pants around his knees before she had a chance to draw another breath. Her eyes lit up and she dropped to her knees before enthusiastically demonstrating exactly what she had learned.

Jasper was so excited by her performance he quite forgot to be careful, and that could have been the end of our story right there. Luckily, he remembered that he felt no real desire for her blood and that in order to restore her _slightly_ crushed vertebrae he would have to pump in some venom rather than the glitter glue he had just deposited down her throat. This he did, very successfully.

The following year demonstrated to Jasper that you must always be very careful what you wish for. He had not believed it was possible to exhaust a vampire – or a vampire's most private sparkly bits – but his insatiable Isabella proved him wrong. He even resorted to getting stoned with the wolves and getting her drunk on occasion, just for a bit of down time. He wondered if all the friction would eventually wear his cock down to a nub, but luckily that never occurred.

Unlike the Denali girls, Isabella was a one-man woman. Although Jasper had already decided he might need to use Peter as a stand-in every once in a while when things got a bit too much for him. Isabella was open to the idea. "After all," she said, "He is practically family and eternity is a _very_ long time."

And to think, all of this came about with one, small wish on a sparkling meteor.

_Charlie_

And what of the Chief? Well, after an unfortunate incident with a certain warlord, he awoke to his new life and promptly let Maria know exactly who was in charge and that it was either his way or the highway. So impressed was the wicked witch of the southwest by his big swinging dick and cast-iron balls, she agreed to do it his way, and so began their new life together.

A word of warning: if you ever find yourself in a small town in the south, and you happen to see him riding into town on his steel horse with his sultry senorita riding bitch, keep your head down and your teeth to yourself. That's Big Bad Charlie Swan, and he's the law 'round these here parts.

But that's a story for another time.

**AN** Yes I am aware I paid shameless homage to various other fics, movies and TV shows. "Spermal" belongs to mama4dukes, although I think her use of it is better than mine.


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